I was excited to go to couples counseling last night. I knew it would be no easy fix. I knew it would take time, effort, patience, honestly, bending, and giving. It would take being humble, keeping my mouth shut, even when it would be hard, and trying to see things from a different viewpoint. I was ready. Perhaps *this* was going to be the way to get back up into the air???? I was hoping and praying so. There's no place I'd rather be than in the air, but we'll get to that at another point in time, I'm for sure.
A lot of times, he is very unrealistic. His expectations aren't really ever going to happen, not even with a miracle or a magic wand, or with Dorothy's sparkly ruby reds. When counseling ended last night, we had one of those moments. "What do you mean, it's time to go?" "We can't leave yet?" "We haven't resolved anything! We can't keep living like this any longer!!!" "We can't be done!!!" Next, he wanted the therapist to predict for him that we were going to work out, that everything was going to be OK, or that he didn't need to "waste" his money to come to any more sessions. It is during these times that I get embarrassed. I know how unreasonable he is being, and, well...yes, it's just plain embarrassing. Mostly, when he sees that things aren't going his way, he goes into either defense mode, or what I call "fact-throwing" mode, where he shares many unrelated things that in *his* mind are facts, but in reality, he is just further embarrassing himself because he's so damn sure he is right.
Hope. Now, there's a word. A very powerful one! Without hope, what do we have? I, for one, could *never* be without hope. Nope, not in a million. This is why I will continue to go to therapy. That and because this lady has her stuff together and knows her business inside and out. I love her already...awesome lady. There was a time when we had fun together, when everything he did was not such a bother to me, when we were happy and in love, and also we liked each other, which I mostly think is more important, in many ways, than loving each other.
Back to hope. When I got up this morning, I was hoping that I would feel different than I have been, that I would remember something he said in therapy that would make me smile, that maybe something I said struck him in a way that he could allow himself to smile. Sadly, it did not happen that way, and we ended up yelling and screaming at each other (something I NEVER do....and have done way too often as of late), and finally, I just hung up the phone and started ignoring his calls. I don't have time in my life for stress, to worry about home problems while I'm at work, no time in my life for stuff like that because who wants to waste the time that is their life in that boat??? Not I!!! I want to be in the happy boat, the one where love abounds, smiles are everywhere, and there are no "you should have" or "you could have" sentences....but only I love what you did there, or you have a beautiful smile, or thank you for taking time out of your day to do (blank) for me.
While I don't even know if I have a whole ounce of hope in me about this whole situation, God tells us that the tiniest amount of faith, just a faith the size of a mustard seed, is all we need, if we but believe.
So, this morning, I will take my less-than ounce of hope, mix it with a tiny mustard seed of faith, and say a prayer, believing that my God will hear it and answer my prayers the way he knows will best suit me. And I'll trust that God knows best, for He is my creator, and made me to be one of His children and has a beautiful plan for my future....I just can't see it yet!
Thank you, Jesus, for our therapist, for him, for giving us faith, hope, love, and the ability to trust and believe the promises you give us. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to be one of your children. I love you, Jesus!!!
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